I Remember Freezer Pops

Hell, who am I kidding? I also remember Necco Wafers, Nehi Soda and Howdy Doody!

Ruminating about these summer treats got me to thinking about today’s first takeaway:

High school friend and novelist Terry Hughes suggested a tasty salsa dish for ManChow. Here in Southern California it’s pretty much summer year ‘round, though with hot house vegetables in most supermarkets, maybe not such a long stretch for colder climes, either. Anyway, to my mind salsa has always been a summer dish.

In his first novel, "Burning Paradise," Terry’s fictional hero is an arson investigator who's tasked with solve a series of deadly blazes in a small California seaside town, so Terry knows a little something about heat.

I’ll let him explain his recipe in a moment, but thinking about this savory drove me to the dictionary to find the difference between salsa and pico de gallo.

Salsa (“sauce”) is usually blended or crushed, tomato-based, spicy yuminess used as a dip or condiment. Think of all the Mexican restaurants you’ve been in that serve tortilla chips and little stone bowls of hot, red goodness as soon as you sit down. The red sauce (salsa roja) you’re typically served is the most common, though you can also ask for the green stuff (salsa verde). If you want to get all connoisseury, there are dozens of salsas, including the ever delicious guacamole. Wikipedia has an excellent article on the various salsas native to Mexican cuisine.

International forms of this are also used in Italian cuisine as well as other countries.

Pico de gallo (“rooster’s beak”-- bleh!), also called salsa fresca, is uncooked and not as liquid as salsa roja or verde. It consists of fresh, chunky ingredients that you can eat as a side dish or spoon onto a variety of foods without smothering the flavors.

In some areas pico de gallo can also become a fresh fruit salad. Who knew?!

So, Terry, I love you man, but what you have here is pico de gallo, not salsa roja.

CALIFORNIA SALSA

(Given to Terry by his third ex-mother-in-law, from an old Hispanic family treasure handed down over generations. He made some changes to supercharge it):

Ingredients

Pour one glass of beer or wine. Drink.         

Fresh Roma tomatoes

            They should be like women, the fresher the better; firm, but not too firm;

            soft, butnot too soft.

Fresh leaf cilantro

            This looks like parsley, but that's for Italian dishes; cilantro is what makes

             it Mexicano.

Green onions

            Slender green stems connected to white bulbs, usually sprinkled on

            baked potatoes.

Fresh garlic

            If you use garlic powder, you will be sent to the end of the ManChow line.

Real lemons or limes

Fresh jalapeno peppers

            Hal-ah-pain-yo, not haul-uh-peen-yo. If you’re going to be muy autentico,

            use the right pronunciation, yo!

(NOTE: The amount of each ingredient is entirely up to you; taste and experiment)

Cooking Instructions

Wash all ingredients thoroughly. Cut the stem buttons out of the tomatoes and slice and dice. Cut off the thick cilantro stems and pull the leaves from the main stems. Chop the green onions (a little bulb, more stem). Crush the garlic and mix all these ingredients in a bowl. Squeeze in the citrus juice.

Grill the peppers over a flame. Use your barbecue, your gas cook top, or if you only have electric, a cast iron frying pan. Burn the peppers. This is one of the few recipes in the world that encourages you to burn your food, but ManChow is not for sissies.

Cut the stems off the peppers, split them open lengthwise and remove the seeds. Warning, they’ll be hot ... and when handling jalapenos do not scratch around your eyes or run off to pee without washing your hands first! If you do, you will experience muy autentico pain-yo.

Oh, and wash your hands afterwards, please, for the rest of us.

Scrape the meat off the inside of the peppers and add to the other ingredients; mix and taste. If there’s not enough heat, prepare another pepper, throw it in and taste again. If the heat is right, salt to taste, mix again and serve or refrigerate. If it’s too hot after the first pepper, leave this blog immediately.

Reward yourself with another glass of beer or wine. Serve your salsa with tortilla chips, hamburger, hot dogs or whatever you think goes with salsa. Most of your friends have probably never tasted fresh homemade salsa. They will bow before you.

Don’t be afraid of the produce section! Sure, you know where to find toilet paper, TV dinners and the Alcohol aisle, but real men can squeeze melons with the best of them! If you’re new to all this, ask an attractive woman for help.

The key word is not ask … it’s “attractive.” Remember the universal ManRuse: Appear ignorant and confused (in some cases, this may not be especially hard). Women love to help men who are lost in grocery stores. They’re in their element; they’re the hunter-gatherers and we the prey!

You'll also find a better quality woman than those passed out in your local bar.

Bon appêtit!

(NOTE: I found all of Terry’s ingredients in my 99 Cent Store, plus most of the below)

For dessert, something extremely simple and tasty. While you’re out, buy a bunch of seedless white grapes, a jar of fudge ice cream topping, container of plain yogurt and a box of toothpicks. When you get home, wash the grapes well, shuck them off the stem and freeze them in a 1 gallon Ziploc bag.

After a tasty ManChow meal with your girlfriend, dump the frozen grapes into a bowl, nuke the fudge a little, pour it into a smaller bowl and the yogurt into another. Serve.

Stab the grapes with a toothpick and dip in the topping of your (and her) choice. I’m betting she’ll go for the yogurt but ya never know…

Home Depot Ruined My Marriage!

I’ll go out on a limb here and say there were probably other things wrong in my relationship that had nothing to do with tools, but ManLaw states whenever we go to a hardware store it’s mandatory we touch, play with or inspect every item in the warehouse, right?

Every guy knows this ... evidently most women don’t.

For some silly reason my wife thought I was having an affair just because I’d tell her I was running to Home Depot for a box of nails and then would be gone three hours. Guys, we’ve all been there, whether it’s hardware or a car showroom or an electronics store or AutoZone.

Hey, those new Makita brushless drills aren’t going to test themselves!

C’mon, fair’s fair! I’ve scuffed along after women on the hunt before. They call it “comparative shopping”, but it’s just a fancy title for having to touch, play with or inspect all the items in every women’s department in the mall.

Which brings me to this week’s takeaway; not a big one-dish recipe, but a tasty garnish. I don’t know about your Home Depot, but outside mine there has always been an elaborate hotdog cart. For a long time it was manned by an attractive young co-ed with a large lupine head tattooed down the outside of her thigh. I know this because she always wore short shorts. “Wolf Girl,” my son called her. I always thought it was clever to hire a pretty girl, instead of some old coot like the mouth breathers she served.

Anyway, out of curiosity one day I ordered something called “red sauce” on my hotdog. Yeow! I was a convert. After some research I learned red onion sauce originated in New York City and is a specialty there (like buffalo wings being invented in Buffalo, NY or caesar salad being invented by Caesar Cardini in Tijuana).


This garnish is made from some strange ingredients like cinnamon and catsup (“ketchup” if you’re on the east coast), but it works. It’s smooth and has a nice bite at the end. Your pals are gonna like it when they come over for the game, and it saves buying more expensive snacks. All you need are a stack of hotdogs, buns, NYC red onion sauce and some potato chips. As always, if you're having a lot of people over, just double the recipe.

It takes about 3 minutes to prep and maybe 15 to cook. Have it on burgers and dogs, Polish sausages, kilbasa, pork chops, anything meaty. All these ingredients can be found at a 99-Cent Store or the like.

NYC Red Onion Sauce

Ingredients

1 large red onion, chopped

¼ cup catsup

½ tsp ground cinnamon

½ tsp chili powder

½ tsp cayenne

½ tsp salt

¼ tsp black pepper

½ cup water

coupla soup spoons of vegetable oil

Cooking Instructions

Heat oil, cook onion till soft. Stir in cinnamon and chili powder, cook one minute; add all the other ingredients and simmer 12-15 minutes, until thickened. Transfer to a bowl or (better) a Glad container if you're not going to use it all right away. Let cool to room temp before serving. Refrigerate any leftovers but nuke or bring back to room temp before serving.


(When I say to nuke something you guys know I mean to microwave it, right? That's not just something we say at my house or when I was in the Air Force...")

ONE LAST GOODY: Popcorn is my snack of choice, especially at night while I'm watching TV. But when I'm feeling really flush, or want to congratulate myself for actually making it to the gym, I treat myself to a pack of Nabisco Peanut Creme Patties (which, oddly enough, aren't even listed on their web site. Shame on them!). I discovered a long time ago if you take the wafers out of their plastic tray, wrap them in aluminum foil and put them in a 250° oven for about 15 minutes the insides get all melty and are a-mazing!


These little pillows of happiness are also great for S'mores, instead of boring graham crackers.

Anyway, this gooey goodness got me to experimenting: Put about 3/4" of a stick of butter, two soup spoons of sugar and three spoonfuls of peanut butter of your choice into a small pan and heat slowly till it's all melted. Try to heat it long enough that the sugar melts into what my mom used to call a "simple syrup." But be careful as it hardens pretty quickly after that, though the butter and PB should help.


In the meantime, pop the corn. Since you're going to be augmenting it, there's no sense buying fancy extra butter, "Movie Butter" or kettle-style corn. Just regular ol' inexpensive popcorn will do (though a good brand like Orville Redenbacher pops better -- less unpopped kernels). Pour about half your melted peanut butter concoction over the popcorn and mix thoroughly with a long-handled wooden spoon. Take a towel and the spoon with you as it gets kinda messy, and you don't want to miss scooping up the last little bit. Save the other half of the mix for tomorrow night. Enjoy!

In the beginning...

Okay, here's the deal. I'm no master chef, but I can whip up some good simple dishes, which is what this blog's all about. Cooking is not some arcane science only women and chubby guys with "expert palates" are privy to. Anyone can do it.

I want to show you when you get home at night you can do more than speed dial an Italian or Chinese restaurant that delivers. It's also pretty cool to casually drop, "Hey, why not come over for dinner tonight? I'm cooking," on your girlfriend. That gets you major points!

Or whip up something better than a 12-pack from Taco Bell when the guys hang out for the game on Sunday. Oh sure, they'll kid you at first, but screw 'em, they won't for long...

My son and daughter have these recipes at college, too, and prepare them regularly.

I'm here to share basically foolproof one dish meals. One a month. That's not to say some fool out there who's more clever than me won't mess up, but here's hoping.

(Caveat: These are not my recipes, they're ones I've amassed over time. As far as I know they're not copyright'able. If I know where they came from I'll always try to give a nod to the person or company. If it's a pretty specific recipe, and you're sure it came from your kitchen and yours alone, drop me a line and I'll give you a shout out).

And if any of you would like to contribute your own one-dish recipe I'll be glad to post it in your name. The object is not to hog the site, but to contribute to mankind's (okay, womankind's, too!) dominion over the kitchen.

First, a few basics. You should have these in your cupboards, if for nothing more than to look cool when your mom comes over. You can casually drop, "A glass? Why yes, it's right next to the crock pot."

Small crock pot
8X8 glass baking dish
9X13 glass baking dish
Small & medium-sized pots with lids
Medium and large pans, preferably with straight sides
Decent-sized mixing bowl (I prefer a 6/8 cup size with handle)
3-4 cup measuring glass
Plastic spatula & large serving spoon
Measuring spoons

It's also good to have a variety of Glad reusable plastic containers on hand, as well as various sized ZipLoc baggies, for leftovers and odds & ends.

You can get these things at the 99¢ Store, Target or Walmart, so don't kill yourself (and your wallet) in Bed, Bath & Beyond or Williams-Sonoma. At least not till you feel more comfortable in the kitchen.

That's it, beside the usually cutlery and dishes, which I'm too embarrassed to inform you you should already have, no matter how big a slob you are. But I'll let you in on a little secret, unless your girlfriend's coming over, get yourself a big (100ea!) pack of 8-1/2" heavy-duty paper plates at Costco and eat off those. They last forever and cleanup is quick and simple after dinner. I have friends who use nothing but their heavy-duty plastic utensils, too, but I can't bring myself to go that far.

Next, a list of basic food items you should always have on hand:

Chicken (I prefer thighs -- the meat's more tender and juicy)
     Costco sells them a perforated 6-pack, about 5 thighs per pack, for easy freezing
Pork chops
     You'll need to separate these yourself into baggies and freeze
Hamburger
     Comes in 6-pound chunks; divide and freeze @ about 1lb+ each
Mexican-style grated cheese
Mushroom soup (5-6 cans in the cupboard at all times won't hurt)
Butter
Cooking oil (I prefer corn or canola)

I buy all of the above at Costco, but you can get similar at Walmart or Super Target.

There will also be other ingredients, and some spices, on a per recipe basis, but not a lot. I know shopping is a pain in the a**, but you can do it in about a half day and it'll last you weeks, so suck it up. Here's what you do: Make your list, start at the 99¢ Store or Dollar Tree and pick up most everything you need in cans and boxes; move on to your local grocery store for specialty items the 99¢ Store doesn't carry; finally, Costco, Super Target or Walmart for the bigger items. That's how you save money and keep organized.

Whatever possible, buy generic. This isn't Top Chef -- it's I'm Sick Of Delivery! I defy anyone but Tom Collichio to tell the difference between homemade mushroom soup and what's at the 99¢ Store.


Okay, ready for your first recipe? Here goes:

BACHELOR (and Bachelorette) CHICKEN

(compliments of my mom and Campbell's Soup)

Ingredients:
1 pack chicken thighs (4 - 5 pieces, washed)
1 box Uncle Ben's Long Grain & Wild Rice
Butter
1 can mushroom soup
Aluminum foil (I like the heavy duty kind)

Cooking Instructions:
Pre-heat oven to 350°
Pour rice into 8X8 baking dish; set flavor packet aside
     Melt appx 2 tbsp butter and moisten rice (I use a fork to stir it around, then level out)
Empty flavor packet into mixing bowl; add 1 can mushroom soup and 1 soup can of
     water; blend
Space chicken evenly on the rice, pour mushroom soup/flavor mix all over it
Seal dish with aluminum foil and bake for one hour

That's it! I love this recipe as it gives you a protein (chicken) and carb (rice) all in one meal. I also usually keep a large bag of frozen corn or green beans on hand and nuke a little for a vegetable. My go-to accessory is garlic bread. Costco, Walmart or Target have pretty good stuff, but you'll need to add a cookie sheet to the list.

Try it and let me know. If a lot of people are coming over double the ingredients and use the 9X13 baking dish.

More next month!