Home Depot Ruined My Marriage!

I’ll go out on a limb here and say there were probably other things wrong in my relationship that had nothing to do with tools, but ManLaw states whenever we go to a hardware store it’s mandatory we touch, play with or inspect every item in the warehouse, right?

Every guy knows this ... evidently most women don’t.

For some silly reason my wife thought I was having an affair just because I’d tell her I was running to Home Depot for a box of nails and then would be gone three hours. Guys, we’ve all been there, whether it’s hardware or a car showroom or an electronics store or AutoZone.

Hey, those new Makita brushless drills aren’t going to test themselves!

C’mon, fair’s fair! I’ve scuffed along after women on the hunt before. They call it “comparative shopping”, but it’s just a fancy title for having to touch, play with or inspect all the items in every women’s department in the mall.

Which brings me to this week’s takeaway; not a big one-dish recipe, but a tasty garnish. I don’t know about your Home Depot, but outside mine there has always been an elaborate hotdog cart. For a long time it was manned by an attractive young co-ed with a large lupine head tattooed down the outside of her thigh. I know this because she always wore short shorts. “Wolf Girl,” my son called her. I always thought it was clever to hire a pretty girl, instead of some old coot like the mouth breathers she served.

Anyway, out of curiosity one day I ordered something called “red sauce” on my hotdog. Yeow! I was a convert. After some research I learned red onion sauce originated in New York City and is a specialty there (like buffalo wings being invented in Buffalo, NY or caesar salad being invented by Caesar Cardini in Tijuana).


This garnish is made from some strange ingredients like cinnamon and catsup (“ketchup” if you’re on the east coast), but it works. It’s smooth and has a nice bite at the end. Your pals are gonna like it when they come over for the game, and it saves buying more expensive snacks. All you need are a stack of hotdogs, buns, NYC red onion sauce and some potato chips. As always, if you're having a lot of people over, just double the recipe.

It takes about 3 minutes to prep and maybe 15 to cook. Have it on burgers and dogs, Polish sausages, kilbasa, pork chops, anything meaty. All these ingredients can be found at a 99-Cent Store or the like.

NYC Red Onion Sauce

Ingredients

1 large red onion, chopped

¼ cup catsup

½ tsp ground cinnamon

½ tsp chili powder

½ tsp cayenne

½ tsp salt

¼ tsp black pepper

½ cup water

coupla soup spoons of vegetable oil

Cooking Instructions

Heat oil, cook onion till soft. Stir in cinnamon and chili powder, cook one minute; add all the other ingredients and simmer 12-15 minutes, until thickened. Transfer to a bowl or (better) a Glad container if you're not going to use it all right away. Let cool to room temp before serving. Refrigerate any leftovers but nuke or bring back to room temp before serving.


(When I say to nuke something you guys know I mean to microwave it, right? That's not just something we say at my house or when I was in the Air Force...")

ONE LAST GOODY: Popcorn is my snack of choice, especially at night while I'm watching TV. But when I'm feeling really flush, or want to congratulate myself for actually making it to the gym, I treat myself to a pack of Nabisco Peanut Creme Patties (which, oddly enough, aren't even listed on their web site. Shame on them!). I discovered a long time ago if you take the wafers out of their plastic tray, wrap them in aluminum foil and put them in a 250° oven for about 15 minutes the insides get all melty and are a-mazing!


These little pillows of happiness are also great for S'mores, instead of boring graham crackers.

Anyway, this gooey goodness got me to experimenting: Put about 3/4" of a stick of butter, two soup spoons of sugar and three spoonfuls of peanut butter of your choice into a small pan and heat slowly till it's all melted. Try to heat it long enough that the sugar melts into what my mom used to call a "simple syrup." But be careful as it hardens pretty quickly after that, though the butter and PB should help.


In the meantime, pop the corn. Since you're going to be augmenting it, there's no sense buying fancy extra butter, "Movie Butter" or kettle-style corn. Just regular ol' inexpensive popcorn will do (though a good brand like Orville Redenbacher pops better -- less unpopped kernels). Pour about half your melted peanut butter concoction over the popcorn and mix thoroughly with a long-handled wooden spoon. Take a towel and the spoon with you as it gets kinda messy, and you don't want to miss scooping up the last little bit. Save the other half of the mix for tomorrow night. Enjoy!